Natalie Portman reveals her 'dark moments' in college during powerful Harvard commencement speech

Fresh off the success of 1999's "Star Wars: Episode 1," actress Natalie Portman enrolled in Harvard University.

In 2003, she graduated with a degree in psychology.

But Portman's time at school wasn't always easy.

While addressing Harvard's graduating class on Wednesday, she began by revealing, "I have to admit that today, even 12 years after graduation, I'm still insecure about my own worthiness."

Reuters/Dominick Reuter"Today I feel much like I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a freshman in 1999," the now 33-year-old explained. "I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress."

YouTube/HarvardShe continued:

When I got to Harvard, just after the release of 'Star Wars: Episode 1,' I feared people would assume I had gotten in just for being famous and not worthy of the intellectual rigor here. And they would not have been far from the truth. When I came here, I had never written a 10-page paper before. I was alarmed and intimidated by the calm eyes of fellow students who thought that the workload here was easy compared to high school. I was completely overwhelmed, and thought that reading 1,000 pages a week was unimaginable or that writing a 50-page thesis was something that I could never do.

Portman explains that she arrived at Harvard with the intention of proving she could be serious.

"I had been acting since I was 11 but I thought that acting was too frivolous and certainly not meaningful. I came from a family of academics and was very concerned with being taken seriously," she told the crowd.

Reuters/Dominick ReuterLooking back, "it’s easy now to romanticize my time here," Portman admits, "but I had some very difficult times here too."

"Some combination of being 19, dealing with my first heartbreak, taking birth control pills that have since been taken off the market for their depressive side affects, and spending too much time missing daylight during winter months led me to some pretty dark moments particularly during sophomore year," she explained. "There were several occasions I started crying during meetings with professors, overwhelmed with what I was supposed to pull off when I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning."

REUTERS/Dominick ReuterPortman says that after taking intense courses and being "seriousness for seriousness' sake," she finally allowed herself to realize that her true passion all along was acting.

"When I got to my graduation, after four years of trying to get excited about something else, I admitted to myself that I couldn't wait to go back and make more films," Portman told the students. "I wanted to tell stories, imagine the lives of others, and help others to do the same. My Harvard degree represents to me the curiosity and invention that we're encouraged here, the friendships I've maintained."

Portman also drove home another point — using naïveté and youth to one's benefit.

YouTube/Harvard"Make use of the fact that you don't doubt yourself too much right now," she urged graduates. "As we get older, we get more realistic and that includes about our own abilities or lack thereof. That realism does us no favors."

"Fear protects us in many ways, but what has served me is diving into my own obliviousness," Portman explained. "Being more confident than I should be ... trying things that you never would have tried. Your inexperience is an asset in that it will make you think in original, unconventional ways. Accept your lack of knowledge and use it as your asset."

Portman says this was especially poignant for her when making "Black Swan," for which she later won the Oscar for best actress in 2010.

YouTube screencap

When first approached about the role, she lied and told the director she was "basically a professional" ballerina. She didn't realize until she had already gotten the job that she was "about 15 years from" being an actual professional.

"The point is, if I had known my own limitations, I never would have taken the risk, and the risk led to one of my greatest personal and professional achievements," said Portman.

AP Images

But above all, says the married mother of a little boy, "The most fulfilling things I've experienced have truly been the human interactions."

"It's a cliché because it's true — helping others ends up helping you more than anyone," she says. "Getting out of your own concerns and caring about someone else's life for a while reminds you that you are not the center of the universe."

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At Harvard, Natalie Portman acknowledges what many of us feel: Impostor syndrome

Actress Natalie Portman attends Harvard’s Class Day on May 27 in Cambridge, Mass. (Steven Senne/AP)

Many of us have felt, at some point, that we haven’t truly earned our accomplishments. Part of impostor syndrome’s power is believing that the ultra-successful never feel like frauds.

Well, the next time you feel that way, consider Natalie Portman’s speech to graduating Harvard seniors. During the Class Day address Wednesday, Portman revealed how much self-doubt she battled after she enrolled in Harvard following the release of “Star Wars: Episode 1.”

“Today I feel much like I did when I came to Harvard Yard as a freshman in 1999,” she said. “I felt like there had been some mistake, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in this company, and that every time I opened my mouth I would have to prove that I wasn’t just a dumb actress.”

Portman won an Oscar in 2011 for her performance in “Black Swan” and has racked up a number of other accolades during her acting career. But when she first came to Harvard at age 18 — after being a self-described nerd in high school — she felt incapable of meeting the “intellectual rigor” of the school.

And she was certain that her acting resume helped her through the admissions process: “I got in only because I was famous. This was how others saw me, it was how I saw myself,” she said.

Portman recalled in her speech that she enrolled in challenging classes to prove her seriousness. Among them: neurobiology and advanced Hebrew literature. But all around her, friends and classmates took up less intense classes.

“Sometimes, your insecurities and your inexperience may lead you, too, to embrace other people’s expectations, standards or values,” Portman said. “But you can harness that inexperience to carve out your own path, one that is free of the burden of knowing how things are supposed to be, a path that is defined by its own particular set of reasons.”

Portman, who graduated with a degree in psychology in 2003, became the first Harvard graduate to win an Oscar for best actress, according to the Harvard Crimson. Upon her win, former professors and mentors described her as a diligent and intelligent student.

“It was very clear when she was a student that she is a very determined person and capable of focused effort over a sustained period,” Stephen M. Kosslyn, a former Harvard psychology professor and former dean of social sciences, told the school paper. “She is now demonstrating the results of that determination and focus.”

Alan M. Dershowitz, who said Portman was in his neuropsychology and the law class, told the Crimson that “she was a terrific student” who earned an A+ on a paper — “the highest grade in the class,” the newspaper noted.

Abigail Baird, her mentor at Harvard, told the New York Times: “I’ve taught at Harvard, Dartmouth and Vassar, and I’ve had the privilege of teaching a lot of very bright kids. There are very few who are as inherently bright as Natalie is, who have as much intellectual horsepower, who work as hard as she did. She didn’t take a single thing for granted.”

Portman came to Harvard feeling “alarmed and intimidated by the calm eyes of fellow students” who thought the work was easy compared to high school, she said. But after years of serious coursework, she accepted that acting was her passion and not a frivolous pursuit. She couldn’t wait to get back to making films.

“I realized that seriousness for seriousness’s sake was its own kind of trophy, and a dubious one, a pose I sought to counter some half-imagined argument about who I was,” Portman said Wednesday. “There was a reason I was an actor: I loved what I do. And I saw from my peers and mentors, not only was that an acceptable reason, it was the best reason.”

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